Kenyon Collegian (Gambier, OH), 1991-05-02

              VIA SATELLITE KENYONS NEWSPAPER 50 CENTS CNN has provided the background for all this issues stories All the news that just misses being egregious acts of libel and slander F THURSDAY may 2 1991 NEWSLINE Frat Guy Dies Last Monday Kenyon mourned the loss of Chase Alexander Patrick StratnerDevlin IV who died of leukemia after a lengthy illness His death was marred by his parents refusal to pay for his medication That asshole is probably faking He just wants money for beer and drugs StratnerDevlin did not receive medication due to his inability to pay for an experimental drug Cancerbegone that probably would have saved his lifeDoctors cited this lack of proper treatment as a likely cause of his premature death In an attempt to help pay for this expensive new therapy a number of Kenyonfraternities offered to hold charity events to raise the necessary funds Sadly due todisciplinary action against all seven fraternities none were able to help in the fundraising A sobbing Edward Halsted vicepresident of Delta Phi told the Collegian that we wanted to help Chase but those bastards wouldnt let us They caused his death They locked our lounges because we left some beer cans lying around If it wasnt for Stu Chase might be alive today working off his buzz fromsummer sendoff Along with a number ofpending lawsuits against Kenyon College Delta Phi is considering filing a wrongful death suit In response to criticism H StewartFitzGibbon assistant Dean of Studentresidences replied those fucking fraternities have to learn their place I had to lock their lounges They just wouldnt get the message You know cleanliness is next to Godliness Even fraternities have to be responsible to a higher standard NO 1 AT KENYON NEARLY 6 MILLION READERS A DAY Dieter Leads Violent Student Council Coup By Wilhelm Augustus Yesterday at 1000 am members of the Student Council Executive Committee seized the top floor of Ransom Hall They took several hostages including College President Philip H Jordan his secretaries and thesecretary of College Provost Reed S Browning Student Council President Dieter Sumerauer was soon seen waving an AK47 assault rifle from Jordans window and shouting Maoist slogans at passersbyInterspaced among these political diatribes he answered questions shouted at him by this reporter When asked about his reasons for this act he responded We did it to gain more power for students over their own lives at Kenyon Those bastards at Senate they never even considered my proposal and even if they had Jordan would have vetoed it Well hes gotta listen now At this point a bound gagged and disheveled Jordan was hauled to the window for the inspection of the gathering mass of students on Ransom lawn Seeing thegrowing crowd Sumerauer tossed Jordan backinto the interior of the room and launched another neopolitical diatribe on the glorious student uprising now taking place Part way through this discourse Sumerauer realizing how truly eloquently he was waxing screamed into the room Youre taking all this down arent you Vacha Of course Dieter Always Every word was the response from within Kenyons crack Security and Safety forces housed in the same building took onlyfortythree minutes to discover the situation Their ignorance would have continued had not Tom Woosley assistant director noticed the large gathering of students and yelled Hey you little bastards get off the grass drug imagery Sumerauer then shot at Woosley with his AK47 but only managed to scatter Administration Discusses Future By Ben Dover Granting a rare interview that last week at Mehnkes Pub in the heart of downtown Mount Vernon a somewhat inebriated highly placed administrative source widely known as the enforcer answered questions concerning rampant speculation aboutKenyons future plans in regard to masterplanning housing and general fun God you people are fucking stupid he slurred I mean like really fucking dumb okay The college doesnt have any like money Were not going to build anything worthwhile in the future Not now Not next year Not when any of you bastards arealumni Not ever The college is broke you know thirty cents short of a quarter Jordan cant even afford a real dog for Gods sake In response to questions about a future student center the enforcer ejaculated thats what Im talking about Were not building a student union The administration doesnt even want one Its just something we tell you fucking morons to make you think youre getting your moneys worth I mean like its like we say at staff meetings Fuck the students you know At this point in the interview our source made a long call to Ralph on the big Porcelain phone and ordered another round of boilermakers He then addressed the renovation of the Bexley apartments Youve seen the shitty little trailer park deal they have between Norton and Watson Were going to you know tear down Bexley and put up a bunch of those All were doing is replacing bullshit existing Bexleyapartments with bullshit new trailer park type Bexley apartments Thats the reason weve never raised our admission standards So yall the student body are too stupid to know youre getting totally fucked see ADMINISTRATION page 2B some stray students and pigeons from the lawn Woosley showed the assembled students his best side and beat a hasty strategic withdrawal He returned shortlyaccompanied by the majority of Kenyons security officers with Tom Davidson in charge The security detachment sported their brand new machine guns recently authorized byJordan for just such an emergency However lacking proper guidance from his superiors Davidson and his staff stood milling around with the students and watching theincreasingly erratic actions of Sumerauer from the second floor window Guidance arrived shortly in the form of several of Kenyons deans from the Student Affairs Center The manwomanperson in charge still remained in doubt The assembled deans quickly held a brief meeting and elected Dean of Students Craig Bradley to be in charge Bradley who was running several minutes late arrived just after the vote was taken A bullhorn was thrust into his hands and he was quickly pushed forward Before he could issue any orders the bullhorn was unceremoniously ripped from his hands by Academic Dean Anne Ponder Ponder resplendent in a full Field Marshals uniform and riding crop had come over from Horn House unobserved She quickly switched the megaphone on and yelled Im in charge here Any objections None were voiced and Ponder quickly set about organizing the assembled safety and security forces for a frontal assault of Ransom Hall Sumerauer seeing the scene unfolding before him began to taunt Ponder and her minions Youll never take us alive YouH never get past Judy Hruska StudentCouncil VicePresident at the door Several fainthearted security officers passed out at the mention of the hulking sixfooter who guarded the door And then theres Reg Phillips Student Council Treasurer on the stairs Finally Ive got a bomb rigged toJordans body to blow the whole building sky high Jordan was once again dragged to the window to substantiate this last threat Strangely enough no mention was made of Student Council Secretary Mark Vacha who was also a part of the strike team in the building Ponder ignoring Sumerauers statements began to whip her troops into a blood lust Things looked to be getting quite out of hand when suddenly Kim McMullen chair of Senate strode forward She screamed at Sumerauer You little moron come down here and fight like a real man He responded with a large raspberry a loud psuedo farting noise made orally which only served tofurther infuriate McMullen She drew out her autographed copy of the Commission onStudent Life and flung it at him The tome a see DIETER page ID Greeks Seek Alternative Housing In response to the new housing policy several fraternities have considered actions which would allow them to retain theirbeloved rooms Fraternity presidents have spent the last few weeks talking to their lawyers and have come up with some interesting ideas In a press conference at the Beta rock President Paul Palagyi announced that the group has discovered a contract that proves their ownership of Wertheimer Field Theadministration has responded that it will not adhere to the contract because it was written in crayon The PsiU fraternity has announced their intention to move their residence to Australia At first the Collegian did not understand the motivation for such anaction However further examination of the World Almanac shows that Australia has the largest population of sheep per capita Go figure In a radical move the PhiKaps seized Ascension hall in the hopes of improving their academic skills Professor Stephen Slack will be their social advisor with tie selection by Ed Shortman Upon notice of the implementation of a new housing policy a Deke official contacted the Collegian and asked for the phone number or address of Phillip Jordan Last we heard the Deke alumni had bought Cromwell Cottage from President Jordans realtor Thus the Dekes will be living in Cromwell Cottage and President Jordan will reside in third floor single in what was once Deke Lambda division Sheila Jordan has been summer housed The Delts have requested permission to live on the field across Route 229 that the school has recently acquired Rumor has it the fraternity members plan to live in their Isuzu Troopers Presidentelect Dieter Summerauer responded that after several intensesensitivity training meetings the ADs haveformulated their plan They have decided to dress in their mothers summer finest and enter the womens housing lottery The Theta Alpha Kappa spokeswoman who would like to remain anonymous but she is the only one who works for theCollegian announced that the sorority has not decided whether to live with the Delts in the parking lot or move to Australia with thePsiU members Finally after extensive er debate the DPhi fraternity decided that it could care less about the housing changes A sobbing Edward Halsted vicepresident of Delta Phi said Were used to this Every year we get turned out of our housing or our lounge However in response to this bullshit we have decided to sponsor Greek Homelessness Awareness week Halsted grabbed his Robitussin and walked off into the sunset